


He Weeps for Himself

by IlliterateBuckyBarnes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, M/M, S.H.I.E.L.D. is HYDRA, cap!bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 11:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21391075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlliterateBuckyBarnes/pseuds/IlliterateBuckyBarnes
Summary: He knows, he knows immediately. He knows that Steve would have been the one sleeping next to the bed, would have been the first one in the room, would have been right there with Bucky. And more than that, he knows when everyone looks away, when Agent Carter’s eyes get a little wet. He knows what they are going to say before Colonel Phillips pulls up a chair, before he tells him that Steve went down with the tesseract, before he tells him that Steve is gone, but the war is over. He adds that on as if that could possibly matter to Bucky. As if this lousy war means anything if Steve is dead.Bucky swears, throwing the glass of water across the room.“James,” Carter starts, “We do have a proposition for you.”Or: The one where they think Steve died, but instead he was taken by HYDRA in hopes of duplicating the serum
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Kudos: 2





	He Weeps for Himself

He remembers the exact moment he got the news. He had woken up in a hospital, Dougan and Morita sleeping in chairs next to his bed, his left arm, or what was left of it, wrapped in gauze and heavy at his side.   
“What,” he stopped, his throat papery and dry. He drinks from the glass of water next to the bed, clearing his throat and starting again. “What happened?”   
Both men bolt awake, though they look rough.   
“Barnes! You’re awake!” Dougal shouts, nudging Morita, who runs out of the room.   
“Yeah, but wh-” He is cut off by Colonel Phillips entering, followed by Peggy Carter. He waits a minute, then asks, “Where’s Steve?”  
He knows, he knows immediately. He knows that Steve would have been the one sleeping next to the bed, would have been the first one in the room, would have been right there with Bucky. And more than that, he knows when everyone looks away, when Agent Carter’s eyes get a little wet. He knows what they are going to say before Colonel Phillips pulls up a chair, before he tells him that Steve went down with the tesseract, before he tells him that Steve is gone, but the war is over. He adds that on as if that could possibly matter to Bucky. As if this lousy war means anything if Steve is dead.   
Bucky swears, throwing the glass of water across the room.  
“James,” Carter starts, “We do have a proposition for you.”  
**  
2014  
Bucky slams the door behind him, angry at himself for letting Natasha get hurt. He throws his shield behind the couch, not wanting to look at, not wanting to be Captain America right now. He goes to the bathroom, getting a quick shower and changing into regular clothes before grabbing the flowers he had picked from his window garden that morning. 

Coming up on the graveyard, he heaves a deep sigh, knowing that this never gets easier. In the decades since Steve’s death, in the decades since he got his new arm and became Captain America, he has never been able to come here without crying. It got even harder once they found his body, once Bucky knew for sure that Steve was dead.   
“Hey, punk,” He whispers when he gets to Steve’s grave, kneeling down and placing the flowers next to his name.   
“Someone tried to take over the planet again, but don’t worry, I got ‘em,” He feels a tear run down his cheek and wipes at it. “We helped a lot of people, though Nat got pretty beat up. They say she’ll be fine, but I still feel like shit over it.”  
He sits down fully, telling Steve about everything that’s happened in the week since he’s been there. The sun is setting by the time he finally stands up, grabbing last week’s flowers, which were starting to die. 

Back at his apartment, Bucky chugs a bottle of whiskey; his shitty serum keeping him from getting drunk, but not stopping the burn as the drink goes down his throat.  
**  
Bucky didn’t believe Nat at first, even though he knew she was always right, even though he knew she would never tell him something like this unless she knew for sure.   
“S.H.I.E.L.D. is compromised?” He asks, practically yelling, every fiber of his being wanting this to be false.  
Natasha nods, and Fury cuts in, “And from what Agent Romanoff has gathered, it looks like it’s been this way for quite some time.”  
Bucky shakes his head, standing up, starting to pace.  
“How? How could S.H.I.E.L.D., of all things, be dirty?” He runs his hands through his hair, which is longer than he’d usually have it.   
“We’re still figuring all that out, but it looks like HYDRA is involved,” Nat says slowly, eyes following Bucky’s movements.   
Bucky lets out a string of curses, ones that would have made his mother grab him by the ear and drag him to church.   
“There’s one more thing,” Natasha adds, “And it’s a stretch, something we don’t have a lot to go off of, but something that looks plausible. It’s about Steve.”  
Bucky stops in his tracks, head snapping up to look at her through the strands of hair falling in his face.   
“What about Steve?” He asks, his voice quiet.  
“He may be alive.”  
**  
When Bucky finally finds Steve, he had nearly given up hope. He was battered and bruised, even through the serum, and he was tired. Tired of false hope after false hope on their search for Steve. Tired of finding out which friends were actually friends, and which ones were HYDRA. He was tired of fighting, tired of watching S.H.I.E.L.D. fall apart. So when he saw Steve, frozen in cryo, deep underground in what used to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. base, he began to weep. He wept for his friend, kept frozen for decades in order to preserve his body in hopes of duplicating his serum. He wept for Peggy, whose pride and joy turned out to be rotten inside. He wept for the world, who had lost the foundation of what kept them safe. But he also wept for himself, who had lived for over 70 years without his best friend, who had gone every week to an empty grave, who had lived for over 70 years believing he would never tell Steve that he loved him.   
He looks to Nat, who, like always, seems to read his mind.  
“He’s alive.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
